Hidden Demons

To those who suffer from depression or know someone who does.


I have suffered from depression for many years now but never confronted it until I went travelling. One year later I came home and I hit me that I need some actual fucken help instead of denying it or not putting in some effort to not feel like shit anymore.

I’m twenty one (in 2 days).

I have been going to therapy since July last year.

Now, I never had a good relationship with therapy or therapists from broken trust by these people over the years, however I thought fuck I am more or less an adult-ish now I need to get over myself and seek some assistance to cope with this. I never been tested for depression until I started my first session. It was confirmed that I’d hit the severe line of the scale. Honestly, I felt relieved and sad simultaneously, mostly to confirm there is an actual issue at stake in my mind and not some sad phase most people over exaggerate

“omg I am so depressed.”

“that’s horrible, what’s happening with you?”

“the dress I order won’t be here till next Monday, and the 21st birthday is on Saturday, like why me!?”



For those who don’t suffer from depression, please stop using it as a way to express you’re upset or sad, I’m sorry I find it really disrespectful and annoying you use this fucken evil illness to describe a little inconvenience in your life. Do us all a favour and buy a dictionary and update your vocabulary, thanks.

Fast forward 7 months later, I am still in therapy and thought I was doing well, opening up, understanding why I say, do or interpret things into my head however on Monday I hit my breaking point. It was a built of everything in my life. The “love of my life” rejected me after 5 years of back and forth, my birthday is coming up and I had a traumatic lonely birthday last year, money issues involving my family and I feel so unloved and unappreciated by everyone around me that I butchered my thighs that afternoon.

As an outsider you may think, honey I am sure you can deal with it, people have it worse, and look to be honest I agree 100% however in my mind, It’s the lack of support that kills me, the mere fact is I don’t feel like I am loved nor liked by people, family or friends. I am just this waste of space in people’s lives and they are better off if I didn’t exists at all.

So after the butcher session, I sat there on the bathroom floor, tears rolling from my red eyes down my damp cheeks and took a moment to look at what I’ve done to myself. I didn’t want to end up back here again at this point but here I am. So i emailed my therapist, told her I need a reference who anti-depressants because clearly this isn’t going away and even though therapy does help to a certain extent, it’s not enough anymore.

As I am writing I am on my third day on medication (won’t kick in until 4-6 weeks) I am a tad optimistic however obviously not cured.

If you happen to read up to this point, thank you, and If you are going through a similar situation or someone who is does, please seek help and get all the support you can get.


This entry was published on January 26, 2017 at 3:18 am. It’s filed under Words and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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