Hidden Demons

To those who suffer from depression or know someone who does.

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I have suffered from depression for many years now but never confronted it until I went travelling. One year later I came home and I hit me that I need some actual fucken help instead of denying it or not putting in some effort to not feel like shit anymore.

I’m twenty one (in 2 days).

I have been going to therapy since July last year.

Now, I never had a good relationship with therapy or therapists from broken trust by these people over the years, however I thought fuck I am more or less an adult-ish now I need to get over myself and seek some assistance to cope with this. I never been tested for depression until I started my first session. It was confirmed that I’d hit the severe line of the scale. Honestly, I felt relieved and sad simultaneously, mostly to confirm there is an actual issue at stake in my mind and not some sad phase most people over exaggerate

“omg I am so depressed.”

“that’s horrible, what’s happening with you?”

“the dress I order won’t be here till next Monday, and the 21st birthday is on Saturday, like why me!?”

“……..”

Seriously?

For those who don’t suffer from depression, please stop using it as a way to express you’re upset or sad, I’m sorry I find it really disrespectful and annoying you use this fucken evil illness to describe a little inconvenience in your life. Do us all a favour and buy a dictionary and update your vocabulary, thanks.

Fast forward 7 months later, I am still in therapy and thought I was doing well, opening up, understanding why I say, do or interpret things into my head however on Monday I hit my breaking point. It was a built of everything in my life. The “love of my life” rejected me after 5 years of back and forth, my birthday is coming up and I had a traumatic lonely birthday last year, money issues involving my family and I feel so unloved and unappreciated by everyone around me that I butchered my thighs that afternoon.

As an outsider you may think, honey I am sure you can deal with it, people have it worse, and look to be honest I agree 100% however in my mind, It’s the lack of support that kills me, the mere fact is I don’t feel like I am loved nor liked by people, family or friends. I am just this waste of space in people’s lives and they are better off if I didn’t exists at all.

So after the butcher session, I sat there on the bathroom floor, tears rolling from my red eyes down my damp cheeks and took a moment to look at what I’ve done to myself. I didn’t want to end up back here again at this point but here I am. So i emailed my therapist, told her I need a reference who anti-depressants because clearly this isn’t going away and even though therapy does help to a certain extent, it’s not enough anymore.

As I am writing I am on my third day on medication (won’t kick in until 4-6 weeks) I am a tad optimistic however obviously not cured.

If you happen to read up to this point, thank you, and If you are going through a similar situation or someone who is does, please seek help and get all the support you can get.

 

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This entry was published on January 26, 2017 at 3:18 am. It’s filed under Words and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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