I’m laying here, sipping on cold camomile tea with salty tears running down my face as i try not to make much sounds with my sobs. I’m questioning if this is the right thing to do. Even though I’m looping through these scenarios and scattered what if’s, it always comes back to what is right. 6 hours till you go. I’m treasuring our last moments even if I am a mess whipping my tears in the dark with a toilet paper roll beside me while my mother is sleeping so peacefully next to me. I want to be forgiven by you. I hate myself more than you can imagine, but i love you. I barely know you, but you’re half of me, I feel everything inside. Your presence will not be forgotten even though you are a secret to the world, you’ll be known by me, my mum and your father. I’ve never cried so much in my life. My heart is breaking, I am grieving for you. In the next 6 hours, panic mode is on, i’m crumbling into dust, i just want the wind to blow me away so i don’t feel anything. Numb, I want to be numb. 6 hours, that’s all we have left. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Your never to be mother.